Notes from the Whine Cellar

Try this wretched Chardonnay
I regret I bought today!
There’s an overture of shaving cream that’s fleeting-
It’s obstreperous and brusque,
And so redolent of musk
That I fear that it will bring the moose stampeding.

Or this horrible Merlot
From the corner liquor sto’
It has good legs, and I wish that it would use them
It’s insulting to my tongue,
And, I think, collapsed my lung,
I pray, vintner, with such grapes, you shouldn’t bruise them.

Ah this treacherous rosé,
On any table it would pose a
conundrum equal to the sphynx’s riddle:
Should you pair it with a shoe?
Or a razorblade or two?
Or pour it over Nero’s burning fiddle?

Oh, this awful Pinot Noir
Was exhumed from pits of tar
With a nose that is a subtle as Durante’s.
Notes of anchovy and dirt,
It will burn away your skirt
and leave you weeping, clad in just your panties.

Ay, this monstrous Chablis
Left me screaming in a tree
It is turpentine and raisins in a blender
For this vino, veci, vini
Finishes like Passolini
With a bang, and then a whimper, and a fender.

Mm, this dreadful Cabernet
It’s unusually grey,
And it tastes of platypus and armadillo.
Oleaginous and vile,
It’s like licking a turnstile
For your palate should be cleansed, then, with a Brillo.

Have some abhorrent Chianti!
It’s as supple as my Auntie,
And she hasn’t left the davenport in years,
It will summon up the bile
From the toughest oenophile
As they crawl across your parquet floor in tears.

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